Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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