just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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