it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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