Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize