The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
