so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
