nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
