it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
