Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
