someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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