theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
