I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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