After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
