Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Need sex. Gaining weight.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize