i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
