On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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