so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
