ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Randomize
