I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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