Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
