Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
