awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
