It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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