I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
