I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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