i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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