What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I cut my penus on the lid.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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