We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
