I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize