There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
