Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
