last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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