Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
