Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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