the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
