the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
