I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
