No stitches, just platelets and will power
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
