I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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