It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
