Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
