I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
