Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
