He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize