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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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