thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
