Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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