Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
