I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
