Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
