Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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