recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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