He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
