The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
