We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
