My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
