just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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