Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
