I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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