I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
never play flip cup with pint glasses
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Randomize
