Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
