Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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