What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
